return from dormancy

if trees could feel, or if i could imbibe the feelings of trees during the dark and frozen winter months, i imagine that they would feel a lot like i feel when the world is so dark and rigid and cold... oppressed by the shrinking of spirits as our corner of the earth turns away from the gentle warm rays of the sun; saddened, groggy, fatigued, and chilled to the core.

my creative energy seems to be the first to go as nature shrinks into itself and goes into hibernation all around me. my motivation drains away and i desire to join the trees and plants and animals in their extended slumber; hidden from the ice and biting winds to sleep away the winter months.

i take long naps and dream of warmth; a sunny spring day, bright flowers, green grass and trees, hot summer sand between my toes as i stroll down the beach, warm sun-kissed skin after a day in the sun...

for a moment, i feel normal again. carefree, joyful, ...alive.

making sense of it all

i've been in a cleaning and reorganizing mood lately. part of this urge, i believe, is due to my never ending need for visual stimulation and change. part of it is a creative challenge; i have a lot of "stuff"... art stuff, craft stuff, home stuff... rearranging and reorganizing becomes a mind puzzle whose process is extremely satisfying to me. part of it is emotional purging as well. i gather things with an idea in mind, i hold onto the idea but put off its follow through...the stuff sits. eventually, i either get around to following through with the idea, or the "stuff" gets to be part of a once in a while purge.

cleaning and organizing my physical space is the physical process that overlays what is actually going on inside my heart and head; working through old dusty emotions, reorganizing and reprioritizing ideas, goals, dreams, wishes... and sometimes, letting go; casting off that which i no longer have need of and making room for the new, for growth, opportunity, the future...my future.

fifty shades of blue

i've been at odds with the mood monster as of late. my struggle is a combo deal of sorts; a great and terrible conglomeration of changing cold weather, the hormonal fluctuations that are womanhood, and dealing with the end of a relationship that hit me a bit harder than i expected...i think there's a bit of an immune system struggle going on in my chest as well, so that certainly doesn't help me to feel particularly well or upbeat! not that i want to throw a pity party for myself, i'm just processing...

i need to figure out some good ways to get the mood monster out of my system. i was doing well in the creativity department until last week or so. i had an extremely productive post break-up week, then, after about a week of up and down, things just went down hill creatively and i lost my gumption. i think that's where my immune system came into play as well. i feel like i'm just on the brink of getting sick, but my body continues to fight it....maybe that's why i want to sleep so much lately. i'm trying to indulge my body so as to allow it the energy to fight off whatever respiratory devil it's trying to fight off, but sometimes my creative brain wakes up late in the evening and the two have to duke it out to see who gets priority.

Domestic Goddess

i've been cooking up a storm lately! i've had domestic energy building up for a while now and cooking seems to be the method of choice lately for getting it out.

today's dinner:
Turkey Chickpea Chili with Cornbread Casserole--a great hearty warm comforting Fall meal!

Turkey Chickpea Chili- (45 min. total)
1 lb. ground turkey (i think the 7-15% is better than the 99% fat free...)
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 small sweet/yellow onion
1 clove garlic
1 c. shredded carrots (julienne, not think sliced shredded)
1 can chickpeas (garbanzo beans)
1 lg. can stewed tomatoes
1 c. chicken broth
1/2 c. ketchup
1/4 c. flour to sprinkle in for thickening
1 tbsp. cumin (adjust to taste)
1 tbsp. chili powder (adjust to taste)
1 tsp. cayenne powder (adjust to taste)
salt to taste (i prefer sea salt)

chop the onion, green and red peppers. mince the garlic clove. cut or break up the carrots into smaller pieces. drain and rinse the chickpeas twice.
in a soup pot, short stock pot, or large sauce pan, saute the onion on med-low heat in a bit of olive oil until it begins to brown.
mix in the garlic.
push the onion and garlic to the outsides of the pan and add the peppers. cover the pan and let the peppers sweat for about 1-2 minutes.
move the peppers out of the middle to the outsides of the pan.
add the carrots, cover and let sweat for 2 minutes, stirring them at 1 minute.
move all vegetables to the outsides of the pan and turn heat up to medium-medium high (depending on your range and whether it is gas or electric...).
add the ground turkey, sprinkle about 1 tsp. of salt over the meat. stir the meat to break it up and cook until it is cooked through and no longer pink/raw. (cover and stir at intervals)
stir to incorporate meat and veggies. sprinkle on another tsp. of salt or sprinkle salt to taste.
add the cumin, chili powder, and cayenne powder, mix in well.
add the chickpeas, the stewed tomatoes (including tomato juice), ketchup, and chicken broth. stir to incorporate.
sprinkle chili with 1 tsp. of flour at a time, stirring well to incorporate, until the desired thickness is reached. taste and adjust salt and spices to your personal taste.

allow the chili to simmer on low heat while you prepare the cornbread casserole.

Cornbread Casserole- (35 min. total)
1 box cornbread or corn muffin mix
1 scant c. yellow cornmeal
1/4 c. butter
1 can sweet kernel corn
1 can sweet cream style corn
1 egg
1/4 c. heavy cream (+ extra for serving, 1-2 tbsp. per serving)
1 c. shredded sharp cheddar cheese

melt butter in casserole dish or baking dish (i used a 9" round casserole)
combine all ingredients right in the baking dish
bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes or until just golden on top

To Serve:
spoon Cornbread Casserole into a bowl, pour a little cream over the Cornbread Casserole, spoon Turkey Chickpea Chili over the Cornbread Casserole, sprinkle with some sharp cheddar cheese, and ENJOY!

time: my least favorite thing

time, is never on our side.
time is the great elusive mind game that one must learn to deal with in order to function effectively in life.
there is never enough time to "do it all" and there never will be; we must each make it a priority to find personal balance where all of the many facets of life converge.

when you sacrifice things that help to keep you well--sleep, personal endeavors, quite meditation, fun, relationships, exercise, nourishment-- for the sake of time to do things that "must" be done--school work, occupational work, commitments to others--this sacrifice bubbles over into ALL areas of your life and you can be neither completely effective nor completely happy in any of your pursuits. not to mention the fact that to continue to do so, will eventually run you down and bring you to a place where you begin to doubt your own personal worth.

find something that nourishes your spirit and make time to do it AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN. you may not be able to afford time every day, but one should never go more than a few days without at least an hour of personal enrichment.

rejuvenation and the slow turn around

working on slowly turning this day...the past few days...back around to a place of productivity and positive energy.

a short summary:
friday and saturday=good; spent some good fun time with my family.

sunday=started good but took a turn for the worse with my cousin from VA ending up in the hospital with a ruptured tubal pregnancy and me playing chauffeur/grandma-sitter/baby sitter for my g-ma and my cousin's 18 mo. old baby when i should have been writing a paper that is due on Tues...stayed up after everyone went to bed until 3am monday working on it.

monday=started too early as i had to, again, help my g-ma with the baby--a 33 lb. 18 mo. old whom g-ma cannot lift. so sleep deprived and annoyed--my g-ma is not the most tolerable person on the planet--i have to try to be productive. granted, my sisters provided some needed respite in the midst of it all... but the atmosphere was still not conducive to what i needed to get done.

alas, the slow turn around began when i got some good news from a wonderful friend regarding a certain type of journal i'm in LOVE with. i've not been able to find them in my local area. she's visiting her family out west and, as it turns out, found them at the local Borders and purchased a few for me; YEAH! i was so happy i wanted to cry, literally!! then, despite wanting more time to spend with my mom whom i've not been able to see much during my time home, i have run away to the local Panera Bread for free wireless and some, hopefully, quiet productive time and rejuvenation.

how is it that i always end up feeling like i need a break from my breaks?

still waiting for my decoder ring

the exclamation point that made my day:
do you ever think about how an exclamation point changes the tone of a written phrase? such punctuation can be especially meaningful when it is used by a person whom you wouldn't typically expect such emphasis from, OR in a situation where you wouldn't expect a certain level of emphasis. it seems small, but it was meaningful to me. am i reading too much into it? probably. let's just face it, i'm still waiting for my decoder ring.

cost benefit analysis

what is the cost of a full moment today and an empty heart tomorrow?

on the road to my future, divergent paths cloud my journey with uncertainty and i am lost."i'm happy to be with you now..." it says, as i lay vulnerable in it's warm outstretched arms. when given the choice between a fleeting "now" and an uncertain "future" how do i choose?

this pebble on my heart weighs evermore and more with each passing moment. "don't be sad. this is life, you've got to live it." it says. but at what cost? i wonder... am i wasting my time, wasting my life, giving myself away to a force that will bear me no return?

when the cost of a full moment today is an empty heart tomorrow, is there a benefit?

i think my heart knows, but do i?

mud pies and mis-matched clothes:

i'd like to return to a simpler time in my life... certain portions of my childhood.

lots of people have been asking me lately what my plans for the future are... i wish i knew the answer to that question.
i had to explain my dilemma to a college aged friend/pseudo-sibling the other day... i'm feeling ready to move on from my job, but just jumping into grad school like i'd like to isn't as simple at this current stage in my life as it might have been just 1 or 2 years out of college.

things are more complicated now...
i've got bills...car, insurance, cell phone, and undergrad student loan payments; i'd need insurance and a steady source of income...
with all of these things in the picture, i need not only to be accepted into a grad program, i need a viable job in the near vicinity of the school, and housing... an apartment or equivalent. given that i currently live where i work and don't pay rent, the concept of paying rent etc. is another daunting idea on top of the aforementioned things.

heart palpitations.

not to mention the time and energy it will take to coordinate all of these things... my life is hectic as it is right now with my job and a decent personal life. just thinking about the time and energy it will take to fill out and submit app's and my portfolio, search for jobs, revise and send out resume's, search for an apartment... it sends me into a mental tailspin. not that i want to make excuses, i just wish it was easier to transition.

not to mention the idea of possibly moving away from my friends and even further away from my family.

more heart palpitations.

sometimes i just want to be a little kid again.

9.14.08 copied from journal entry written at Four Beans Coffeehouse:

no gravity, my conceptual hell reality

no water no air inside my mind
I float through space and time to find
the dark and empty warm of lost
to fill my heart despite the cost
the moon so full my heart so round
it floats and swells upon the sound
of sandy crystals full of time
that fall through cracks inside my mind

can you see my thoughts?

how do i justify the brain train that currently occupies the space in my head? the concurrent strands of spinning spiraling questions that dance across my gray matter and disappear into the distance, if only for a moment, before they reappear transformed and infinitely more complex.
how do i accurately choose the few strands that might give light to the story of intrigue and delight my mind is weaving at any given moment... how do i answer the question, "what are you thinking?"

most of the time, the answer that seems to make the most sense is, "everything and nothing."

this is the truth and yet one might ask how such an answer can even seem to make sense, or if it does... crazy, crazy you say? look inside your own mind, really get in there and truly SEE what is there. then tell me that, "everything and nothing" doesn't make just as much sense to you.

see.

i told you.

No pictures, just words... R.I.P. Digital Camera

this post shall take a sad tone, as i am mourning the loss of my dear departed digital camera. i was celebrating it's life the other evening by taking many interesting and obscure pictures when fate struck my hand and my poor digital camera did slip from my fingers and crash to the floor; lens mangled to pieces beyond recognition.

i realize it's just a camera, a conglomeration of cold metal inter-working electronic parts, but it was also a part of me. an extension of my creative vision and exploration. i wanted to fall to the floor and weep in despair... alas, i had to pull myself together and go to work.

i have 2 weddings to go to this weekend, which i'd love to document, but i can't quite bring myself to purchase a replacement camera, not yet.

i'm funny...

when i don't try and i just let whatever is in my brain flow out, in the moment, i can be pretty damn witty and clever! i think that certain people bring that out in me, which i appreciate because i like that side of myself... it's a total bonus when i make someone else AND myself laugh in the same moment! usually it's just me, chuckling at my own goofy self or laughing at the funnies that scroll across the marquee of my mind.

sometimes people are so serious or sensitive about everything that it's nice to have someone who encourages, even inspires, me to take myself, and well, everything, less seriously. helps to balance me out. and balance, after-all, is what i'm all about in life.

"i just called to make sure you had a good day,"...

he said on the other end of the line and i almost melted into a little puddle.


i have realized recently that when i am able to keep my expectations at bay and not hold people to "secret contracts," as author and psychoanalyst Adam Phillips calls them, i am constantly and pleasantly surprised at how sweet, perceptive, and reliable people are. when i'm not holding someone to a specific and usually unattainable standard that i have created in my silly little head, i can more fully appreciate them, in every respect.

i'm less anxious about things this time around. i have yet to puzzle out whether this is due to maturity and learning through experience on my part, or whether it is due to the calming effect he seems to have on me; i suspect it is a lovely and intoxicating combination of the two. i don't feel the anxious need to talk to or communicate with him every day or even every other day...and when i do think about wanting to call or chat later in the day, he beats me to it and usually within 5-10 minutes of my having had the thought; it's eery. i keep thinking that it's just coincidence... but it keeps happening.


"i just called to make sure you had a good day," he said on the other end of the line and i almost melted into a little puddle.

and the world spins madly on

i love that song by the weepies...

today the world moves rapidly around me...grey clouds press down and squelch my energy. i press on, longing for energetic relief... the comfort of caffeine and mental escape my only solace.

I feel heavy with lethargy... my eyes feel heavy in their sockets, my thoughts heavy in my head. as i move, the contents of my imagination slosh around, thick, inside my brain. the air feels heavy on my skin, my feet feel heavy in my ballet slipper shoes.

this excerpt, from Robert Frost's The Birches, pretty accurately captures the feeling of the day:

"i'd like to get away form earth a while
then come back and begin all over
let no fate willfully misunderstand me
and half grant what i wish and snatch me away not to return
earth's the right place for love
i don't know where it's bound to go better."

i long for a calmer pace to life, but i am forced to operate at the pace of the world around me. it wears me out. it's not quite a "take it or leave it" kind of feeling. there are things that i love about the world and would, if i had the choice, carry certain things with me always. but then, there are things like time that seem like their only purpose is to limit and frustrate me. it wears me out.

part-time lover...full-time creative thinker

i seem to be having a problem making time for creative ventures lately. i've become a part-time lover to myself and my right-brain. it's not that i want to be neglectful of my need for creative outlets, but work has had me in a tailspin for the past 3 or so weeks. spare time that i do manage to find i spend with my friends or the man in my life (don't get me wrong, they are WELL worth my time!)...that, or i work feverishly at keeping my apartment clean so that it doesn't become a disaster in the midst of my busy life, thus blocking up my creative flow even further... i can't work in the midst of a mess. ...figurative or literal, ha.

for now, as i spend time posting instead of actually doing a creative project (since i do have a bit of time but no materials close at hand), i'm going to write about a few ideas that i've had recently: (pictures to come...)

1) i love fabric and tend to collect fabrics that appeal to my eye so that i can have fun fabric whenever the idea for a project, sewing or otherwise, strikes me. i also love painting. i've decided to combine the two. my idea is to stretch fabric (one with a fun or cute print) over stretcher bars like one would a canvas for painting. then i'll prepare just a portion of the "canvas" with gesso...a circle in the bottom right corner, or a rectangle evenly spaced in the middle...and create a painting on the prepared area that jibes with the pattern on the fabric, but is different enough that it stands out. i think it will be fabuous! now i just have to find the time to start...

2) one random craft project that i do is making decoupaged magnets/thumbtacks (pictures to come) out of random magazine clippings and those round glass stones (the 1 in. round ones for magnets, and the 1/2 in. ones for thumbtacks) that you can get at craft stores. my idea is this: instead of making magnets or thumbtacks with them, choose a picture or make a collage, and then apply the glass stones, mosaic style, on top of the picture so that it creates a mosaic like work of art...you could also cut the picture up as it corresponds to the stones and then re-glue it down in order so that it is just the picture under the stones and not between them... it will take some experimenting to see how it looks best.

3) i've taken this community ceramics class for the past several months (spring semester and summer...) and i'm going to take it again this fall. i need to post some pictures of the stuff that i've made, but i've also got some great ideas for new pieces... one of them is a sort of dark but beautiful take off of the Leona Lewis song Bleeding Love... it involves an anatomically correct ceramic representation of a heart... i don't want to spoil the idea, so that'll just have to be a "wait and see"! i think it's the project that i'm the most excited to see come to fruition.

the show

I'm just a little bit
caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
and I don't know why

I am just a little girl
lost in the moment
I'm so scared
but don't show it
I can't figure it out
it's bringing me down
I know
I've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show
-Lenka

"dream catch me...

dream catch me when i fall, or else i won't come back at all."

i am enchanted in this world that i have created for myself. i close my eyes and reach out my hand...,"trust me!" it calls. i'm reluctant, but i push on through a door and then i'm falling like Alice down the rabbit hole; it's comfortable and i feel lightened, free...
i float down like a feather and land in a place that is strange but familiar. it smells like warm milk, rose petal soap, sun kissed skin...the scents of my childhood. "where am i?" i whisper to myself. my words echo strangely inside my own head... inside my own head... inside my own head.

"there's a place i go when i'm alone, do anything i want, be anyone i want to be. but is us i see and i cannot believe i'm falling. that's where i'm going, where are you going? hold it close, won't let this go. dream catch me... dream catch me when i fall, or else i won't come back at all." -Newton Faulkner

wake up and smell the...

i've been absent from the blogging world for the past few weeks due to several reasons...
i work at a school and the end of the year is always busy, busy, busy.
due to my need to be connected via computer for so much of my job, i really wanted to start the summer on a sort of hiatus from my computer etc. i was in need of reconnecting with my inner self; re-learning how to be aware of the world around me instead of retreating into my head.

with that said, as a tool in my personal quest i've been using a wonderful book that i had learned about and then happened upon and purchased while i was visiting my mom in Connecticut. the book is Caffeine For The Creative Mind: 250 Exercises To Wake Up Your Brain by Stefan Mumaw and Wendy Lee Oldfield. the exercises are fun and really get you thinking outside of the box...or in my case, outside of my own head!

i woke up this morning with the phrase, "wake up and smell the_____" (fill in the blank, my thought train didn't go to the usuals...) and as my morning unfolded, i found myself having fun trying to describe the smell of different words that could be inserted in the blank.
for example, while i was in the shower i came up with this one:

wake up and smell the...
crazy:
it's metallic and sinister, cold and just a little bit tangy; the kind of tangy that gets you in the glands right behind your jaw bones, where you can't tell if it hurts or tickles.

i know that's kind of dark, but part of my quest in living outside of my head is to embrace both the dark and the light...i've come to realize that i can be quite a dark person, and i'm ok with that!

A Rainy Wednesday Mosaic

1. MARE FINTO..., 2. Kuwait Water Tower, 3. goshen high school gymnasium, 4. vw, 5. Sri Randal Randal 5/13/08, 6. [imerovigli], 7. New York, New York, 8. Verme, 9. Relax

as inspired by creative kismet