brain mush...like a rotten pumpkin... only smarter

my day, today, melted into a happy haze of wet pavement and soggy fallen autumn leaves under a cloud of sleepiness brought on by a restless night and a whirlwind CPR and First Aid training class this afternoon.  i press on... i'm slowly learning the discipline i need to push through some things and on to other things that can revive my energy for the better.  an hour at the gym instead of a latte, for instance.  happily endorphin-ized, i float through my office shift... bombarded by the requests and questions of ten million teenage girls... i can't remember what i did get done and what still needs to be done, but it doesn't breed worry or anxiety like usual. my mind is filled with an odd floaty contentment, even though my tired body aches for rest.

before today or maybe before yesterday, my mind was loud with doubt and contradictions... it's a cycle i suppose...  my heart forced into a civil war with the part of me that both entertains my dreams and screams them to pieces with logic and cynical realism.

curse you brazen loud brain, you who trick my heart into believing that joy lay outside the reach of my life's warm comforting grasp.   how do i so easily trick myself into thinking that joy is elusive, when i know, i KNOW that joy's roots are settled firm and sure in my heart; all i need do is look inward to find it... all i need is to believe.

when i remember this, i am able to tap into my joy like a maple tree and its sugary sweetness floods my veins once again, reminding me of the truth that lies within and i realize something...

finding answers in life is about finding the truth that already lies within you and being able to have faith in THAT.

Do not fear the dark within.

Today, I walk around fighting my own emotion... fighting myself for sanity and clarity. I don’t want to be here, in this murky place--unclear and difficult to understand. I fight and struggle to rejoin the calm happy spirit that meditates peacefully on the hillside of my mind, but today, my efforts are to no avail. I must proceed through the darkness, regardless of what brought me here...

When I find myself in this place, teetering precariously on the dark and twisty Cliff that plummets into the gully of self-abhorrence, my mind spins with questions and doubt... with unfulfilled desires and the fear of never having certain things... never achieving certain things, in my life. ...And i wonder, am I enough? ...What if I were smarter, prettier, funnier, thinner, more ambitious... better in any number of ways? ...Am I enough?
I crave life... love... joy... but on these days they dangle, tauntingly, just outside of my grasp.

I keep fighting. I search my emotional pockets for a match to light the darkness, to burn away the debris that clouds my psyche and weighs down my heart. I find one and I light it. The flame pops into existence, but only illuminates the questions as they burn in my eyes...

What do I have to learn from this, from this place that I continually find myself in? ...To keep fighting... to be persistent and to persevere? ...To be more bold and less afraid? ...To worry less, care less, about what people do or do not want from me? ...to let go?

I cling to the hope of possibilities--however delusional they might be--but today I am disappointed and I feel lost... sad. I push forward without expectations, open minded without seeking specifics... still, I feel taunted like the rabbit chasing the elusive carrot, dangling just out of reach. I am tormented by my own desires, both hidden and seen; I require that which does not require me...
Am i... my own worst enemy?

little boys and photo booth

to many, the idea of lots of rowdy little boys is annoying, frustrating, loud, obnoxious... but not me. i have 6 nephews; SIX. ranging in age from almost 14 down to 3 years old; they are the light of my life. every time i visit home, they beg and BEG to play on my computer...they just love taking pictures with Mac's Photo Booth application.


i really need to capitalize on their silly creativity because the give me some great pictures to go back and look at whenever i need a smile or a chuckle. it'd be fun to start printing the pictures on t-shirts, just for fun... or to make silly comics or cards out of some of the poses they come up with while playing with the different effect settings.


they will entertain themselves for HOURS!


priceless, just priceless!

if personal ads weren't quite so pathetic and desperate...

seeking: mutual constancy, dependability, accountability, support... someone to give me a push when i'm stalled, help me up when i'm down... a go-to person. someone solid, grounded, and balanced; a person i can always count on. i'm lacking that in my life. i seem to be that person for many others, and i willingly and proudly fill that role; but i find--though i love my friends dearly--that none of them fills this role in my life. i find myself lonely and longing for that unwavering source of strength, stability, and solid wise advice. not that we all don't struggle at one time or another... i realize and willingly admit this fact. this fact is also the reason why i feel, now more than ever, that i need such a person. when i struggle, i don't feel like i have someone as described above to go to. i know that my friends try, that they always support me to the best of their ability, and i am grateful for such support, but sometimes i need more. someone who knows my shit and can call me on it; who doesn't let me hide, knows when i'm in need... not sure i'll ever find that, but that doesn't stop me from longing for it.

return from dormancy

if trees could feel, or if i could imbibe the feelings of trees during the dark and frozen winter months, i imagine that they would feel a lot like i feel when the world is so dark and rigid and cold... oppressed by the shrinking of spirits as our corner of the earth turns away from the gentle warm rays of the sun; saddened, groggy, fatigued, and chilled to the core.

my creative energy seems to be the first to go as nature shrinks into itself and goes into hibernation all around me. my motivation drains away and i desire to join the trees and plants and animals in their extended slumber; hidden from the ice and biting winds to sleep away the winter months.

i take long naps and dream of warmth; a sunny spring day, bright flowers, green grass and trees, hot summer sand between my toes as i stroll down the beach, warm sun-kissed skin after a day in the sun...

for a moment, i feel normal again. carefree, joyful, ...alive.