tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26754177282071391292024-03-13T13:05:46.408-04:00CreativeRootsa creative spirit eternally in progresssukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-68688126133817603982012-08-06T21:42:00.003-04:002012-08-06T21:42:58.566-04:00The Art of Moving<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The art of moving...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Packing, unpacking, nesting/settling in, organization, purging, new definitions of life and the day to day</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to reflect on every day creativity…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why do we compartmentalize our experiences?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too much to remember or hold on to in their entirety?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forget some of my experiences as I’m moving about my life… I want ALL of my experiences to be a part of my day to day living.</span></div>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-30698056936023417202012-08-06T21:41:00.001-04:002012-08-06T21:41:15.178-04:00the darkness<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">what is it about darkness--the absence of light, uncertainty... not knowing that makes one feel fear, sadness, loneliness? psychologically speaking, it has been found that humans NEED light, sunshine, in order to thrive. we need the dark to clue us in when it's time for rest and we need the light to force our eyes open, create vitamins in our bodies, and spur our brains and bodies into action. the darkness serves a purpose, but it's not often comfortable... at least not for me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i'm grappling with the dark as of late. you could say that i've always had a slight fear of the dark, both figuratively and literally. i find myself without light or direction and my good ol' pal fear finds its perch on my shoulder and gives all sorts of dark twists and turns to my already vivid imagination. eventually, by some strength that seems to always burn deep inside, i manage to pull myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and emerge from my cave, wiser for the ware, but i know that the dark isn't gone forever... it seems to me that, like that bit of strength and light that burns bright and steadfast deep inside of me, so too does a small flame of darkness, sadness, weakness. i don't understand it's purpose as clearly as i do the bit of strength and light, but i'm certain that it has one... maybe it exists solely for me to visit until i am able to figure out why it is there... and only then will it take its leave.</span></div>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-36601920225001911162010-08-10T14:29:00.001-04:002010-08-17T00:00:29.971-04:00Drawing:<!--StartFragment--> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Strangely meditative and strongly therapeutic…</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">My mind slips off into a state of transient awareness and I am intensely relaxed and yet almost hyper aware… stimuli pass through me and rather than being interrupted by them, I pull pieces from their subtle effects and allow the rest to float through me, off into the oblivion.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Lines, marks, my pen strokes the page as though it knows where to go all on its own… my hand is guided by the page, my mind engaged, yet fluid… </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I drift away.</span></span></div><!--EndFragment-->sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-811798566600620202010-08-09T15:55:00.000-04:002010-08-09T15:55:14.111-04:00the creative process:<!--StartFragment--> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I am human; I am creative because I am human.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Brain more capable, mind more versatile, spirit more resilient than could ever accurately be given credit for…</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Every time I must choose, decide, pick one over the other, I use my creative abilities.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Every time I adjust, modify, adapt, evolve, I tap into the deep well of my creative power.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Every time I speak, form a thought, communicate, gesture, I embody the creativity that lives in every fiber of my being.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I am human; I am creative because I am human.</span></span></div><!--EndFragment-->sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-25086005211251911202010-08-04T12:47:00.000-04:002010-08-09T15:48:31.511-04:00the creative brain dump<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Brain drain, dump the train, stay the track or go insane </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Produce too much or don’t create, sometimes I can’t initiate </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Love to love, or love to hate, cross the bridge, walk through the gate </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Falling, falling, spinning round, sweep the sky and touch the ground </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Alice falling down the hole, whirling twirling have to go </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Looking glass from the other side, I stare and wonder what’s inside… </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A world, this place I’ve never been… to miss it now would be a sin</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Moving forward all to fast, run from now escape the past </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Forward motion, smoking gun, hurtling train of creative fun</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Screaming, barreling down the tracks, don’t turn around, never never look back</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Remember, always, where you’ve been, growth, change, and every friend </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Blue, true, wired, wait, buy the book to get the bait</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Thinking, looking all around, sight, smell, taste, sound </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Imagine, wonder, stories abound, mistakes we make keep our hearts on the ground</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Silver linings keep me warm, watch me, save me from the storm </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Stress anxiety, my own strife, keep me, sleep me in this life </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Twinkle, sparkle, snap and shine, synapse firing down the line </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Idea, realization, truth, me… take the leap and set it free </span></span></div>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-50596566989839856642010-07-20T23:55:00.000-04:002010-07-20T23:55:44.546-04:00by nature of being human, i am continually affected<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">every waking moment i take in information</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">feel, see, hear, smell, taste</span></span><br />
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</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i internalize</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">conceptualize</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">realize</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">analyze</span></span><br />
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</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">think, breath, move, wait</span></span><br />
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</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i moderate</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">anticipate</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">regulate</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">pontificate</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">input, process, output</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">input, process, output</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">input, process, output</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">by nature of being human, i am continually affected</span></span>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-69463413021150647362010-07-19T00:41:00.000-04:002010-07-19T00:41:34.089-04:00listology: the "to-do" list<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i think i've created a whole new art form for my self out of making "to-do" lists...</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">it's ritualistic, creative, and organizational all in the same moment, at least that's how it feels to me. i need them, i like making them, i like crossing things off of them... they work for me.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">over the course of the next 10 days these are a few of the things that will be on my "to-do" lists:</span></span></div><div><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">complete a mural with the young artists at my community arts summer internship site</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">complete an oral history project (research, contact person to interview, interview, cut, transcribe, edit, fine tune)</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">complete a final work of art under the theme of "koinonia" based on relationships</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">begin visiting and applying to fall/spring community arts residency sites</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">find an apartment to move into by Aug. 1st</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">other "stuff" as assigned or as needed</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">maintain my sanity :)</span></li>
</ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">good energy fairies of the universe unite! i'm gonna need all the help i can get.</span></span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></div>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-87235121970448755452010-07-14T09:01:00.004-04:002010-07-14T09:05:10.912-04:00my heart is my shield<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">there are monsters in my midst</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">spirit chomping, energy sucking monsters who only seek to puff up their own ego</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i have something they want, </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">but they cannot have it</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">they will fight and taunt and push, but they will not get it</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">my heart is my shield</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">i am strong</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">my roots are buried deep within the fertile ground of my history; love, creativity, true goodness</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">my wings stretch high above me, too high for the monsters to reach</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">my purpose is written in the stars</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">my heart is my shield</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">i am strong</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">i am strong</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i am strong</span></span>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-17328156849786550142010-07-12T11:30:00.000-04:002010-07-12T11:30:09.987-04:00trusting my intuition<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i am here for a reason, this i know.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">my journey has brought me to this place, </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">unknown in detail, yet known to my soul.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">every step that i have taken before has prepared me for the adventures and challenges that lie ahead.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i will trust my hearts knowing to guide me through. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">i will trust the truth that lies within. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i will trust the rich well of creative strength that is rooted deeply in my being.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">i am here for a reason, i must follow my heart.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">i will trust my intuition.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"></span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></div>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-19840631738923453552010-07-11T23:22:00.013-04:002010-07-11T23:26:27.123-04:00New Beginnings...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">so i'm trying this whole Blogging thing again...</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i've moved to a new city, Baltimore, MD... i'm embarking on a new adventure and beginning a new chapter in my life as a graduate student at the Maryland Institute College of Art, earning my MA in Community Arts.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">we are expected to reflect every day on the site work that we are doing, and i feel that recording my reflections on my blog would be a more creative format for documenting my journey and the thoughts and feelings that i encounter along the way.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i've re-vamped my blog--updated layout, new background, sassy color scheme--in the hope that spending a bit of my creative energy reviving my ol' online journaling companion will keep me invested in doing my required reflection here... we'll see. it's all new uncharted water i'm sailing into so, i have to keep an open mind and a flexible approach.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">ta-ta for now,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">sukey</span></span>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-47349890235048582492009-10-28T02:31:00.000-04:002009-10-28T02:31:14.605-04:00brain mush...like a rotten pumpkin... only smarter<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">my day, today, melted into a happy haze of wet pavement and soggy fallen autumn leaves under a cloud of sleepiness brought on by a restless night and a whirlwind <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1256711111_1" style="-webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial; border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial; cursor: pointer;">CPR and First Aid training</span> class this afternoon. i press on... i'm slowly learning the discipline i need to push through some things and on to other things that can revive my energy for the better. an hour at the gym instead of a latte, for instance. happily endorphin-ized, i float through my office shift... bombarded by the requests and questions of ten million teenage girls... i can't remember what i did get done and what still needs to be done, but it doesn't breed worry or anxiety like usual. my mind is filled with an odd floaty contentment, even though my tired body aches for rest.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">before today or maybe before yesterday, my mind was loud with doubt and contradictions... it's a cycle i suppose... my heart forced into a civil war with the part of me that both entertains my dreams and screams them to pieces with logic and cynical realism.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">curse you brazen loud brain, you who trick my heart into believing that joy lay outside the reach of my life's warm comforting grasp. how do i so easily trick myself into thinking that joy is elusive, when i know, i KNOW that joy's roots are settled firm and sure in my heart; all i need do is look inward to find it... all i need is to believe.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">when i remember this, i am able to tap into my joy like a maple tree and its sugary sweetness floods my veins once again, reminding me of the truth that lies within and i realize something...</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">finding answers in life is about finding the truth that already lies within you and being able to have faith in THAT.</span></div>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-18864971711316109222009-10-07T18:42:00.003-04:002009-10-07T18:50:41.743-04:00Do not fear the dark within.<span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms';">Today, I walk around fighting my own emotion... fighting myself for sanity and clarity. I don’t want to be here, in this murky place--unclear and difficult to understand. I fight and struggle to rejoin the calm happy spirit that meditates peacefully on the hillside of my mind, but today, my efforts are to no avail. I must proceed through the darkness, regardless of what brought me here...<br />
<br />
When I find myself in this place, teetering precariously on the dark and twisty Cliff that plummets into the gully of self-abhorrence, my mind spins with questions and doubt... with unfulfilled desires and the fear of never having certain things... never achieving certain things, in my life. ...And i wonder, am I enough? ...What if I were smarter, prettier, funnier, thinner, more ambitious... better in any number of ways? ...Am I enough?<br />
I crave life... love... joy... but on these days they dangle, tauntingly, just outside of my grasp.<br />
<br />
I keep fighting. I search my emotional pockets for a match to light the darkness, to burn away the debris that clouds my psyche and weighs down my heart. I find one and I light it. The flame pops into existence, but only illuminates the questions as they burn in my eyes...<br />
<br />
What do I have to learn from this, from this place that I continually find myself in? ...To keep fighting... to be persistent and to persevere? ...To be more bold and less afraid? ...To worry less, care less, about what people do or do not want from me? ...to let go?<br />
<br />
I cling to the hope of possibilities--however delusional they might be--but today I am disappointed and I feel lost... sad. I push forward without expectations, open minded without seeking specifics... still, I feel taunted like the rabbit chasing the elusive carrot, dangling just out of reach. I am tormented by my own desires, both hidden and seen; I require that which does not require me...<br />
Am i... my own worst enemy?</span>sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-41206850352613767422009-03-13T02:40:00.008-04:002009-03-13T03:01:57.929-04:00little boys and photo boothto many, the idea of lots of rowdy little boys is annoying, frustrating, loud, obnoxious... but not me. i have 6 nephews; SIX. ranging in age from almost 14 down to 3 years old; they are the light of my life. every time i visit home, they beg and BEG to play on my computer...they just love taking pictures with Mac's Photo Booth application. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SboBYkVRIQI/AAAAAAAAANM/FesMBtVn_WI/s1600-h/Photo+979.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SboBYkVRIQI/AAAAAAAAANM/FesMBtVn_WI/s400/Photo+979.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312560232018288898" /></a><br />i really need to capitalize on their silly creativity because the give me some great pictures to go back and look at whenever i need a smile or a chuckle. it'd be fun to start printing the pictures on t-shirts, just for fun... or to make silly comics or cards out of some of the poses they come up with while playing with the different effect settings. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SboC51pqt_I/AAAAAAAAANU/i7QzG_TYNss/s1600-h/Photo+959.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SboC51pqt_I/AAAAAAAAANU/i7QzG_TYNss/s400/Photo+959.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312561903114565618" /></a><br />they will entertain themselves for HOURS!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SboEMHiLIpI/AAAAAAAAANc/OjfBNC-1TwU/s1600-h/Photo+881.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SboEMHiLIpI/AAAAAAAAANc/OjfBNC-1TwU/s400/Photo+881.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312563316664246930" /></a><br />priceless, just priceless!sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-29938879091682975112009-03-04T19:12:00.005-05:002009-03-04T20:22:06.325-05:00if personal ads weren't quite so pathetic and desperate...seeking: mutual constancy, dependability, accountability, support... someone to give me a push when i'm stalled, help me up when i'm down... a go-to person. someone solid, grounded, and balanced; a person i can always count on. i'm lacking that in my life. i seem to be that person for many others, and i willingly and proudly fill that role; but i find--though i love my friends dearly--that none of them fills this role in my life. i find myself lonely and longing for that unwavering source of strength, stability, and solid wise advice. not that we all don't struggle at one time or another... i realize and willingly admit this fact. this fact is also the reason why i feel, now more than ever, that i need such a person. when i struggle, i don't feel like i have someone as described above to go to. i know that my friends try, that they always support me to the best of their ability, and i am grateful for such support, but sometimes i need more. someone who knows my shit and can call me on it; who doesn't let me hide, knows when i'm in need... not sure i'll ever find that, but that doesn't stop me from longing for it.sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-42977497415610344902009-02-21T22:56:00.013-05:002009-02-22T01:16:30.309-05:00return from dormancy<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SaDhekI9h5I/AAAAAAAAAM8/HvhY6_csoKs/s1600-h/IMG_3020.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SaDhekI9h5I/AAAAAAAAAM8/HvhY6_csoKs/s400/IMG_3020.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5305488276256032658" /></a>if trees could feel, or if i could imbibe the feelings of trees during the dark and frozen winter months, i imagine that they would feel a lot like i feel when the world is so dark and rigid and cold... oppressed by the shrinking of spirits as our corner of the earth turns away from the gentle warm rays of the sun; saddened, groggy, fatigued, and chilled to the core. <br /><br />my creative energy seems to be the first to go as nature shrinks into itself and goes into hibernation all around me. my motivation drains away and i desire to join the trees and plants and animals in their extended slumber; hidden from the ice and biting winds to sleep away the winter months.<br /><br />i take long naps and dream of warmth; a sunny spring day, bright flowers, green grass and trees, hot summer sand between my toes as i stroll down the beach, warm sun-kissed skin after a day in the sun... <br /><br />for a moment, i feel normal again. carefree, joyful, ...alive.sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-78266365086432152922008-11-22T05:03:00.004-05:002009-02-22T14:27:34.369-05:00making sense of it alli've been in a cleaning and reorganizing mood lately. part of this urge, i believe, is due to my never ending need for visual stimulation and change. part of it is a creative challenge; i have a lot of "stuff"... art stuff, craft stuff, home stuff... rearranging and reorganizing becomes a mind puzzle whose process is extremely satisfying to me. part of it is emotional purging as well. i gather things with an idea in mind, i hold onto the idea but put off its follow through...the stuff sits. eventually, i either get around to following through with the idea, or the "stuff" gets to be part of a once in a while purge. <br /><br />cleaning and organizing my physical space is the physical process that overlays what is actually going on inside my heart and head; working through old dusty emotions, reorganizing and reprioritizing ideas, goals, dreams, wishes... and sometimes, letting go; casting off that which i no longer have need of and making room for the new, for growth, opportunity, the future...my future.sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-83915734251124070402008-11-10T00:31:00.000-05:002008-11-10T01:23:17.323-05:00fifty shades of bluei've been at odds with the mood monster as of late. my struggle is a combo deal of sorts; a great and terrible conglomeration of changing cold weather, the hormonal fluctuations that are womanhood, and dealing with the end of a relationship that hit me a bit harder than i expected...i think there's a bit of an immune system struggle going on in my chest as well, so that certainly doesn't help me to feel particularly well or upbeat! not that i want to throw a pity party for myself, i'm just processing...<br /><br />i need to figure out some good ways to get the mood monster out of my system. i was doing well in the creativity department until last week or so. i had an extremely productive post break-up week, then, after about a week of up and down, things just went down hill creatively and i lost my gumption. i think that's where my immune system came into play as well. i feel like i'm just on the brink of getting sick, but my body continues to fight it....maybe that's why i want to sleep so much lately. i'm trying to indulge my body so as to allow it the energy to fight off whatever respiratory devil it's trying to fight off, but sometimes my creative brain wakes up late in the evening and the two have to duke it out to see who gets priority.sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-2374667369690021372008-10-24T23:33:00.005-04:002008-10-25T00:18:19.183-04:00Domestic Goddessi've been cooking up a storm lately! i've had domestic energy building up for a while now and cooking seems to be the method of choice lately for getting it out.<br /><br />today's dinner:<br />Turkey Chickpea Chili with Cornbread Casserole--a great hearty warm comforting Fall meal!<br /><br />Turkey Chickpea Chili- (45 min. total)<br />1 lb. ground turkey (i think the 7-15% is better than the 99% fat free...)<br />1 green bell pepper<br />1 red bell pepper<br />1 small sweet/yellow onion<br />1 clove garlic<br />1 c. shredded carrots (julienne, not think sliced shredded)<br />1 can chickpeas (garbanzo beans)<br />1 lg. can stewed tomatoes <br />1 c. chicken broth<br />1/2 c. ketchup<br />1/4 c. flour to sprinkle in for thickening<br />1 tbsp. cumin (adjust to taste)<br />1 tbsp. chili powder (adjust to taste)<br />1 tsp. cayenne powder (adjust to taste)<br />salt to taste (i prefer sea salt) <br /><br />chop the onion, green and red peppers. mince the garlic clove. cut or break up the carrots into smaller pieces. drain and rinse the chickpeas twice.<br />in a soup pot, short stock pot, or large sauce pan, saute the onion on med-low heat in a bit of olive oil until it begins to brown. <br />mix in the garlic. <br />push the onion and garlic to the outsides of the pan and add the peppers. cover the pan and let the peppers sweat for about 1-2 minutes. <br />move the peppers out of the middle to the outsides of the pan. <br />add the carrots, cover and let sweat for 2 minutes, stirring them at 1 minute.<br />move all vegetables to the outsides of the pan and turn heat up to medium-medium high (depending on your range and whether it is gas or electric...). <br />add the ground turkey, sprinkle about 1 tsp. of salt over the meat. stir the meat to break it up and cook until it is cooked through and no longer pink/raw. (cover and stir at intervals)<br />stir to incorporate meat and veggies. sprinkle on another tsp. of salt or sprinkle salt to taste.<br />add the cumin, chili powder, and cayenne powder, mix in well.<br />add the chickpeas, the stewed tomatoes (including tomato juice), ketchup, and chicken broth. stir to incorporate.<br />sprinkle chili with 1 tsp. of flour at a time, stirring well to incorporate, until the desired thickness is reached. taste and adjust salt and spices to your personal taste.<br /><br />allow the chili to simmer on low heat while you prepare the cornbread casserole.<br /><br />Cornbread Casserole- (35 min. total)<br />1 box cornbread or corn muffin mix<br />1 scant c. yellow cornmeal<br />1/4 c. butter<br />1 can sweet kernel corn<br />1 can sweet cream style corn<br />1 egg<br />1/4 c. heavy cream (+ extra for serving, 1-2 tbsp. per serving)<br />1 c. shredded sharp cheddar cheese<br /><br />melt butter in casserole dish or baking dish (i used a 9" round casserole)<br />combine all ingredients right in the baking dish<br />bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes or until just golden on top<br /><br />To Serve:<br />spoon Cornbread Casserole into a bowl, pour a little cream over the Cornbread Casserole, spoon Turkey Chickpea Chili over the Cornbread Casserole, sprinkle with some sharp cheddar cheese, and ENJOY!sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-40227600634936592952008-10-17T13:17:00.005-04:002008-10-17T13:38:37.707-04:00time: my least favorite thingtime, is never on our side.<br />time is the great elusive mind game that one must learn to deal with in order to function effectively in life.<br />there is never enough time to "do it all" and there never will be; we must each make it a priority to find personal balance where all of the many facets of life converge.<br /><br />when you sacrifice things that help to keep you well--sleep, personal endeavors, quite meditation, fun, relationships, exercise, nourishment-- for the sake of time to do things that "must" be done--school work, occupational work, commitments to others--this sacrifice bubbles over into ALL areas of your life and you can be neither completely effective nor completely happy in any of your pursuits. not to mention the fact that to continue to do so, will eventually run you down and bring you to a place where you begin to doubt your own personal worth.<br /><br />find something that nourishes your spirit and make time to do it AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN. you may not be able to afford time every day, but one should never go more than a few days without at least an hour of personal enrichment.sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-57254766056957329982008-10-13T19:20:00.002-04:002008-10-13T19:37:40.130-04:00rejuvenation and the slow turn aroundworking on slowly turning this day...the past few days...back around to a place of productivity and positive energy.<br /><br />a short summary:<br />friday and saturday=good; spent some good fun time with my family.<br /><br />sunday=started good but took a turn for the worse with my cousin from VA ending up in the hospital with a ruptured tubal pregnancy and me playing chauffeur/grandma-sitter/baby sitter for my g-ma and my cousin's 18 mo. old baby when i should have been writing a paper that is due on Tues...stayed up after everyone went to bed until 3am monday working on it. <br /><br />monday=started too early as i had to, again, help my g-ma with the baby--a 33 lb. 18 mo. old whom g-ma cannot lift. so sleep deprived and annoyed--my g-ma is not the most tolerable person on the planet--i have to try to be productive. granted, my sisters provided some needed respite in the midst of it all... but the atmosphere was still not conducive to what i needed to get done.<br /><br />alas, the slow turn around began when i got some good news from a wonderful friend regarding a certain type of journal i'm in LOVE with. i've not been able to find them in my local area. she's visiting her family out west and, as it turns out, found them at the local Borders and purchased a few for me; YEAH! i was so happy i wanted to cry, literally!! then, despite wanting more time to spend with my mom whom i've not been able to see much during my time home, i have run away to the local Panera Bread for free wireless and some, hopefully, quiet productive time and rejuvenation.<br /><br />how is it that i always end up feeling like i need a break from my breaks?sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-19949474754047161372008-10-07T00:33:00.007-04:002008-10-07T18:15:04.736-04:00still waiting for my decoder ring<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SOvfVj2ppLI/AAAAAAAAAJI/PJ76zmXXTvQ/s1600-h/pfring.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SOvfVj2ppLI/AAAAAAAAAJI/PJ76zmXXTvQ/s320/pfring.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5254538951752524978" /></a>the exclamation point that made my day:<br />do you ever think about how an exclamation point changes the tone of a written phrase? such punctuation can be especially meaningful when it is used by a person whom you wouldn't typically expect such emphasis from, OR in a situation where you wouldn't expect a certain level of emphasis. it seems small, but it was meaningful to me. am i reading too much into it? probably. let's just face it, i'm still waiting for my decoder ring.sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-66050594159399126802008-10-02T14:09:00.011-04:002008-10-07T18:38:26.578-04:00cost benefit analysiswhat is the cost of a full moment today and an empty heart tomorrow?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SOUWrYti1CI/AAAAAAAAAJA/4vk4j3qScm4/s1600-h/IMG_2604.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SOUWrYti1CI/AAAAAAAAAJA/4vk4j3qScm4/s320/IMG_2604.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252629475021214754" /></a>on the road to my future, divergent paths cloud my journey with uncertainty and i am lost."i'm happy to be with you now..." it says, as i lay vulnerable in it's warm outstretched arms. when given the choice between a fleeting "now" and an uncertain "future" how do i choose?<br /><br />this pebble on my heart weighs evermore and more with each passing moment. "don't be sad. this is life, you've got to live it." it says. but at what cost? i wonder... am i wasting my time, wasting my life, giving myself away to a force that will bear me no return? <br /><br />when the cost of a full moment today is an empty heart tomorrow, is there a benefit?<br /><br />i think my heart knows, but do i?sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-29375405927783170402008-09-15T18:12:00.007-04:002008-09-15T18:45:11.507-04:00mud pies and mis-matched clothes:i'd like to return to a simpler time in my life... certain portions of my childhood.<br /><br />lots of people have been asking me lately what my plans for the future are... i wish i knew the answer to that question.<br />i had to explain my dilemma to a college aged friend/pseudo-sibling the other day... i'm feeling ready to move on from my job, but just jumping into grad school like i'd like to isn't as simple at this current stage in my life as it might have been just 1 or 2 years out of college. <br /><br />things are more complicated now... <br />i've got bills...car, insurance, cell phone, and undergrad student loan payments; i'd need insurance and a steady source of income...<br />with all of these things in the picture, i need not only to be accepted into a grad program, i need a viable job in the near vicinity of the school, and housing... an apartment or equivalent. given that i currently live where i work and don't pay rent, the concept of paying rent etc. is another daunting idea on top of the aforementioned things.<br /><br />heart palpitations.<br /><br />not to mention the time and energy it will take to coordinate all of these things... my life is hectic as it is right now with my job and a decent personal life. just thinking about the time and energy it will take to fill out and submit app's and my portfolio, search for jobs, revise and send out resume's, search for an apartment... it sends me into a mental tailspin. not that i want to make excuses, i just wish it was easier to transition. <br /><br />not to mention the idea of possibly moving away from my friends and even further away from my family.<br /><br />more heart palpitations.<br /><br />sometimes i just want to be a little kid again.sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-76521540599186414902008-09-14T16:30:00.002-04:002008-09-15T18:53:12.181-04:009.14.08 copied from journal entry written at Four Beans Coffeehouse:no gravity, my conceptual hell reality<br /><br />no water no air inside my mind<br />I float through space and time to find<br />the dark and empty warm of lost<br />to fill my heart despite the cost<br />the moon so full my heart so round<br />it floats and swells upon the sound<br />of sandy crystals full of time<br />that fall through cracks inside my mindsukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2675417728207139129.post-70862562231449599802008-09-12T02:41:00.006-04:002008-09-18T01:06:38.348-04:00can you see my thoughts?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SMoUSWbWg1I/AAAAAAAAAIU/bb1tEBlENKU/s1600-h/Photo+839.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KuDOVXDgJgc/SMoUSWbWg1I/AAAAAAAAAIU/bb1tEBlENKU/s320/Photo+839.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5245027021516866386" /></a><br />how do i justify the brain train that currently occupies the space in my head? the concurrent strands of spinning spiraling questions that dance across my gray matter and disappear into the distance, if only for a moment, before they reappear transformed and infinitely more complex.<br />how do i accurately choose the few strands that might give light to the story of intrigue and delight my mind is weaving at any given moment... how do i answer the question, "what are you thinking?" <br /><br />most of the time, the answer that seems to make the most sense is, "everything and nothing."<br /><br />this is the truth and yet one might ask how such an answer can even seem to make sense, or if it does... crazy, crazy you say? look inside your own mind, really get in there and truly SEE what is there. then tell me that, "everything and nothing" doesn't make just as much sense to you.<br /><br />see.<br /><br />i told you.sukeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09425075486527690535noreply@blogger.com0