Today, I walk around fighting my own emotion... fighting myself for sanity and clarity. I don’t want to be here, in this murky place--unclear and difficult to understand. I fight and struggle to rejoin the calm happy spirit that meditates peacefully on the hillside of my mind, but today, my efforts are to no avail. I must proceed through the darkness, regardless of what brought me here...
When I find myself in this place, teetering precariously on the dark and twisty Cliff that plummets into the gully of self-abhorrence, my mind spins with questions and doubt... with unfulfilled desires and the fear of never having certain things... never achieving certain things, in my life. ...And i wonder, am I enough? ...What if I were smarter, prettier, funnier, thinner, more ambitious... better in any number of ways? ...Am I enough?
I crave life... love... joy... but on these days they dangle, tauntingly, just outside of my grasp.
I keep fighting. I search my emotional pockets for a match to light the darkness, to burn away the debris that clouds my psyche and weighs down my heart. I find one and I light it. The flame pops into existence, but only illuminates the questions as they burn in my eyes...
What do I have to learn from this, from this place that I continually find myself in? ...To keep fighting... to be persistent and to persevere? ...To be more bold and less afraid? ...To worry less, care less, about what people do or do not want from me? ...to let go?
I cling to the hope of possibilities--however delusional they might be--but today I am disappointed and I feel lost... sad. I push forward without expectations, open minded without seeking specifics... still, I feel taunted like the rabbit chasing the elusive carrot, dangling just out of reach. I am tormented by my own desires, both hidden and seen; I require that which does not require me...
Am i... my own worst enemy?
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