the innate sense of purpose and direction in my life is this: to love others and help them become whomever it is they are to become. to nurture and inspire the loving creative nature of people-whomever i encounter-so that they, in turn, might some day do the same for others, regardless of their chosen profession or path in life.
eventually i want to make a career out of offering art experiences, crafty adventures, creative fellowship, and the like to those who are lacking such outlets in their lives.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

brain mush...like a rotten pumpkin... only smarter


my day, today, melted into a happy haze of wet pavement and soggy fallen autumn leaves under a cloud of sleepiness brought on by a restless night and a whirlwind CPR and First Aid training class this afternoon.  i press on... i'm slowly learning the discipline i need to push through some things and on to other things that can revive my energy for the better.  an hour at the gym instead of a latte, for instance.  happily endorphin-ized, i float through my office shift... bombarded by the requests and questions of ten million teenage girls... i can't remember what i did get done and what still needs to be done, but it doesn't breed worry or anxiety like usual. my mind is filled with an odd floaty contentment, even though my tired body aches for rest.

before today or maybe before yesterday, my mind was loud with doubt and contradictions... it's a cycle i suppose...  my heart forced into a civil war with the part of me that both entertains my dreams and screams them to pieces with logic and cynical realism.

curse you brazen loud brain, you who trick my heart into believing that joy lay outside the reach of my life's warm comforting grasp.   how do i so easily trick myself into thinking that joy is elusive, when i know, i KNOW that joy's roots are settled firm and sure in my heart; all i need do is look inward to find it... all i need is to believe.

when i remember this, i am able to tap into my joy like a maple tree and its sugary sweetness floods my veins once again, reminding me of the truth that lies within and i realize something...

finding answers in life is about finding the truth that already lies within you and being able to have faith in THAT.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Do not fear the dark within.

Today, I walk around fighting my own emotion... fighting myself for sanity and clarity. I don’t want to be here, in this murky place--unclear and difficult to understand. I fight and struggle to rejoin the calm happy spirit that meditates peacefully on the hillside of my mind, but today, my efforts are to no avail. I must proceed through the darkness, regardless of what brought me here...

When I find myself in this place, teetering precariously on the dark and twisty Cliff that plummets into the gully of self-abhorrence, my mind spins with questions and doubt... with unfulfilled desires and the fear of never having certain things... never achieving certain things, in my life. ...And i wonder, am I enough? ...What if I were smarter, prettier, funnier, thinner, more ambitious... better in any number of ways? ...Am I enough?
I crave life... love... joy... but on these days they dangle, tauntingly, just outside of my grasp.

I keep fighting. I search my emotional pockets for a match to light the darkness, to burn away the debris that clouds my psyche and weighs down my heart. I find one and I light it. The flame pops into existence, but only illuminates the questions as they burn in my eyes...

What do I have to learn from this, from this place that I continually find myself in? ...To keep fighting... to be persistent and to persevere? ...To be more bold and less afraid? ...To worry less, care less, about what people do or do not want from me? ...to let go?

I cling to the hope of possibilities--however delusional they might be--but today I am disappointed and I feel lost... sad. I push forward without expectations, open minded without seeking specifics... still, I feel taunted like the rabbit chasing the elusive carrot, dangling just out of reach. I am tormented by my own desires, both hidden and seen; I require that which does not require me...
Am i... my own worst enemy?