trying to move forward

why is it that when you want to forget about something and move on, that specific thing keeps popping up everywhere? you think that you're making progress and then, "wham!" it pops up out of nowhere annoyingly waving in your face saying, "haha, i'm still here. don't forget about me!"

i got my tarot cards/palm read for my birthday (it was my request and i have AWESOME friends who took me out!).

the recurring theme was that i needed to let go of certain things...people...past relationships and trust myself. i know...my head knows, what i need, what i need to do, where i need to go etc. i know this--most of what she told me just reinforced things that i already "knew"--but recently, it has proven extremely difficult to follow through on some of these things. especially where "letting go" is concerned.

faces, memories, past events pop up in dreams or just in the back of my mind...floating there just in the periphery, never completely out of sight or thought. taunting and tormenting me, haunting my dreams, reminding me... pulling emotions and memories back from times past to the surface of my present life.
she (Caroline, the psychic, tarot card, and palm reader) asked at the end of the reading if i had any questions...i didn't then. but now, now there is a whole host of questions floating around in my head. why is it so hard to let go of certain things/people? what do i need to do to make that process move forward...to get the things that i WANT to let go of out of my head? do i have a hard time letting certain things go because they are significant in some way that i haven't figured out yet? or because i have unfinished business?

mirror, mirror, on the wall...

who's had the crappiest day of them all?


so today was one of those days where, looking back, you regret ever getting out of bed. nothing went right, nothing felt right, i had no energy or drive or motivation, hormones had my memory in a full nelson with no signs of loosening their grip. i'd think to do something and i'd turn around to go do it and have already forgotten what it was that was in my head not 10 seconds ago. re-tracing my steps usually helps, but you can't get very far in a day when you spend the majority of your time backtracking trying to remember what it was that you were just about to do.

the savior to the day is that it's almost over and i got through it. i guess on days like today, that's all you can really ask for. tomorrow will be better, i'm almost certain of it. the fact that i can be certain about anything in my current emotional state is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

i'll go to bed, wake up tomorrow with renewed energy, and, in the words of as smart little fish, "just keep swimming."

Things I've made pt. deux...

ok, so where was i? ah yes...

#4 Re-claimed chairs:



chair number two isn't quite finished yet, but it IS painted. i just need to rough up the paint a little and screw the seat back on. this was a very fun and rewarding project...even though it took me a few months to complete (when i probably could have gotten them done in one good solid day of free time). guess that tells you a lot about the amount of free time i have lately, huh?!

#5 Paintings:

i call this one, "concentric circles of thöt"



i call this one, "blended shades of new"



#6 Collage journal covers:
pictures to come...

i make a new version of one of these each year for the seniors in my wing at work. i put together a little graduation gift for each of them and the collage journal cover that fits the tiny sized composition books is a Sukey original.

Things I've made...

So, in the spirit of getting my handmade crafts out in the public eye, this post will be a collection of pictures and descriptions of all of the things I make or have made recently.

#1 Art supply tool rolls:
This is the roll that I keep all of my "travel" journaling/art supplies in.

It holds a travel watercolor kit, a pair of scissors, various drawing impliments (drawing pencils, felt tip pens, colored pencils, blending sticks, erasers, sharpener), and a few paint brushes.


This is the roll that I keep all of my paint brushes in.


It has a shorter front set of pockets for my short brushes and a higher back set of pockets for my long brushes.



#2 Tote bags:
This tote bag I made for myself. I also made one for my mom that has a light blue lining.



#3 Aprons:
This is an apron I made for my friend Caitlin.


I made one for my mom out of the same fabric as the first art tool roll, but I can't find the picture right now...

So, that's only just a start. It's getting late and I need to get some shut-eye. I'll post more later... I've still got my two re-claimed chairs (finally finished) to post pictures of, and a few paintings I've done.

Ciao!

food creations

sometimes, i indulge in the creative process through collaging, sometimes through painting, through clay, or rearranging my apartment. sometimes, my creativity comes out through the food i make.

this evening, while visiting my mom in Connecticut, i made the yummiest pizza i've made yet. it was a pre-mixed herbed pizza dough from Trader Joe's (baked a bit first, then drizzled with olive oil before adding ingredients), chicken apple sausage, sundried tomatoes, spinach, mixed gourmet mushrooms, fresh garlic, fresh mozzarella, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and romano cheeses (just to give it a kick). made the crust thin and baked it till it was golden on the bottom and the cheese was melty, bubbly, and golden on top.

i should be a pizza chef...that's all i have to say!

a cosmic joke on humankind/a giant universal tennis match

Painting by my brother-in-law Oren Goppert

why is it that, whenever an emotional "snafoo" occurs between two people, being ready to apologize for certain behavior and being able to accept an apology never quite line up? it feels like a big joke that the universe is playing us...like the pain of the ordeal that we originally went through wasn't enough, the universe needs to get that last little jab in once we have come to terms with our own junk and are trying to make peace with the one(s) we hurt. ridiculous i say, just plain ridiculous!

i got to the point where i had grown enough to realize that i needed to apologize, i formulated and executed a sincere and heartfelt apology, and now i have to be ok with simply having said my peace...? no acknowledgment or acceptance from the apologized-to-party? ugh...people are just too confusing; why was i ever interested in psychology?

on the other hand, i keep trying to "let go of" someone from my past, but every time i'm just about to the point where this person stops showing up on my radar, something happens that pulls this person back into focus...an email/a dream/a facebook post.

my friend Sari experienced the same thing recently and this is what she had to say on the matter, "You bounce thoughts out into the universe and eventually it bounces them back to you... It's like a giant universal tennis match."

how ironic that zero points in tennis is called "love."

mood collage

Weird mood song of the moment...

Best of You by the Foo Fighters

i've got another confession to make
i'm your fool
everyone's got their chains to break
holding you
were you born to resist or be abused?
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

are you gone and on to someone new?
i needed somewhere to hang my head
without your noose
you gave me something that i didn't have
but had no use
i was too weak to give in
too strong to lose
my heart is under arrest again
but i break loose
my head is giving me life or death
but i can' t choose
i swear i'll never give in
i refuse
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
has someone taken your faith?
it's real the pain you feel
you trust, you must confess
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?


has someone taken your faith?
it's real the pain you feel
the life, the love
you'd die to heal
the hope that starts the broken hearts
you trust, you must confess
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

i've got another confession my friend
i'm no fool
i'm getting tired of starting again
somewhere new
where you born to resist or be abused?
i swear i'll never give in
i refuse
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

has someone taken your faith?
it's real the pain you feel
you trust, you must confess
is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

wireless at "home" is nice/being sick stinks/the road to "normalcy"

it's 1:30 am Indiana time...i just got in for a weekend of family birthday celebrations. we have LOTS of March b-days in our fam...Dad, Mom, big sis, and 3 nephews all with March b-days. now that people are scattered about, we pick a weekend for everyone to come together to celebrate them all. anyhoo, getting in so late is usually a drag bacause i'm a night owl and everyone else goes to bed pretty early. however, dad FINALLY installed a wireless router last time i was home so i can play on my laptop and keep myself entertained until i am ready to go to bed.

this evening i shall back track blog a little...since i've been absent due to sickness.

so i was hella sick for about 5 days before i got to go to the doctor, but god bless antibiotics because, 10 days of amoxicillin and a week of normal sleep later, i'm feeling MUCH better! still not 100% back to "normal"--being gone to a conference for work over a weekend and having to catch up with missed work when you get back will do that to you--but i'm on the road there, which feels GREAT!

other than getting over sickness, i've also been feeling more peppy now that the sun is beginning to shine more frequently. i get to feeling SO moody and gloomy during the winter months that once the sun begins to stick around more in early to mid March...it's almost euphoric. i'm more productive, i have more energy...i'm really beginning to think that i need to move somewhere where the sun has more of a year round presence. location suggestions welcomed.

it's times like this that i dream of going back to Maui. i visited Maui last summer with two of my best girlfriends...it was spectacular! here's a sample of the spectacularness:


nice, huh?!?!

well, it's getting late and i need to get some rest if i'm going to have energy for family time tomorrow.

goodnight moon, goodnight air, goodnight noises everywhere :)

portrait of a sick day

so after getting back from visiting with my family, a nasty sickness bug has taken up residence in my chest and sinuses and i find myself stranded on my couch. i've set up my medicine and entertainment supplies on my coffee table as i rarely have the energy to move.

as much as anyone loves to stay home from work on a day that they are feeling under the weather, it's hella boring staying in my apartment on the couch all day. i think the thing that makes it unbearable the most is not having the energy to do ANYTHING. i had to give myself a pep talk just to get up to go to the bathroom!

i remember being sick when i was a kid--i got strep throat a lot when i was young--i would lay on the couch trying to remember what it felt like to be normal and not sick. i remember thinking that i would give ANYTHING to feel normal again.

that's how i feel today. here's to hoping tomorrow is better...

Home, sweet home

standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes and steamy hot dish water, i stare lazily out the dark rain spotted windows in front of me. my hands automatically scrub and wipe, rinse and put aside the dishes that are a product of the fantastically large meal that i cooked and just finished eating with my family; dad, sisters, brother, and nephews. i'm visiting at my parents house in Indiana for the weekend because the residential school where i work is on a long weekend break. mom's not here because she's doing some traveling nursing and is currently stationed in Norwalk, CT, but we all got to talk to her on the phone earlier, so it feels like she was here, at least for a little while.
as i scrub chocolate off mixing bowls and cheese sauce off the large stock pot that, about an hour ago, held 2 lbs. of my fantastic home-made macaroni and cheese, i am composing this post in my head...

i find that i often become "chef sarah" when i'm home; my passion for cooking large semi-elaborate meals re-emerges because i actually have people to cook for. today, for a Sunday afternoon family dinner, my nephew, Michael, requested macaroni and cheese (home-made of course!) so macaroni and cheese it was...and for dessert, the flourless chocolate cake that i saw on the food network the other day, mmm, yummy! of course i can't leave the serious meat eaters without a meat option, so i also made some applewood smoked turkey tenderloins that i found in the freezer...they were actually pretty good.

i've come to love weekends like this. sometimes it's hard to leave my space and my day-to-day routine behind, but as soon as i walk through the door of my Indiana home and am greeted by Sid and Nilly (our dogs, a black Labradoodle and a yellow Lab), or my 21 yr. old "little" brother who, in a silly semi-lispy voice, greets me, "hi sissy," i'm right as rain again...because i'm home.

a serious case of the blahs

what the hell's the deal with all of this crappy weather? seriously! the chicagoland area has been in a depressing cycle of knee deep snow, a bit of warm weather to melt the snow into ocean sized puddles...freezing temps, MORE freakin' snow, warm temps PLUS RAIN to melt the snow AGAIN and add to the already GIGANTIC puddles, another temp drop and MORE effing snow!!! i'm about ready to sell my new car on the black market for a one-way ticket to somewhere sunny and warm. GEEZ!

...i think i could handle a crappy job in a restaurant or a small grocery store somewhere as long as i could go to the beach every evening and on weekends...

seriously though, if i don't see the sun soon...if i have to live through another crappy, damp, cold, GREY day, i just might melt into a lethargic gooey mess.

not even going to the gym seems to help. i've been to the gym twice in the past 4 days and i still feel like someone drove a Mac truck over my mood. UGH. i've even tried "eating a cookie." sorry al and katie...i'm not sure i believe your theory. though, maybe you have a point in it being an everyday experience...maybe i should give it a chance.

here's to hoping

Howl's Moving Castle

I just finished watching the movie "Howl's Moving Castle" by Hayao Miyazaki. It's a wonderful film, equally as wonderful (if not a little bit more) as his 2001 film "Spirited Away."

I'm a sucker for movies and stories that transport the watcher/reader into fantastical worlds of magical adventures. But this movie does that without you even realizing it, I loved it! Rent or borrow it soon and let me know what you think.

fun with a blood orange

oranges are good. blood oranges (moro oranges) area SUPER TASTEY! and they are pretty too.
not only are they a georgous maroon red color on the inside, the skin is a beautiful bright orange blushed by the same georgeous maroon red color.
seeing how i'm stuck at work late at night on my day off because of an emergency situation, i spent some time exploring the digital macro setting on my digital camera taking pictures of the fabulous color and texture of the blood orange i ate for a snack...while watching Little Miss Sunshine.
they say that "necessity is the mother of invention." i say, "boredom is the mother of abstract creativity!"

"Put me in the Zoo!"

today i've come to a point where i'm tired of being responsible. i'm tired of always doing for others, always doing the right thing, the responsible thing. i'm feeling a great urge to be irresponsible, live wildly, throw caution to the wind...to do things for ME.

it's like i'm being ripped in two...one part of me screams, "get in your car and just start driving...run away, see where the road takes you!" and the other is saying, "but i have a job...responsibilities. ...there are certain expectations that others have of me." how can i possibly find the motivation to get out of bed tomorrow, go to a stuffy "supervisors" workshop for FOUR hours, have meetings with my staff, and then come to work in the evening when all i really want to do is to just disappear?

i feel like i did when i was a kid... sometimes i'd get so upset at the fact that my parents obviously didn't understand how much something upset me or how important something was to me, i'd hide and think of running away form home. i'm sure most people did this as a kid...you start thinking, "when i'm gone they'll finally realize what they missed out on, how important i was." and you'd wait, in your hiding place, hoping that a worried parent who had been searching high and low for you would find you and, in the time you'd been "gone," would have come to an understanding of what was going through your head.

maybe if i disappeared they'd realize how much i did to help them...how much work i absorbed that they never had to worry about--work that they never even knew went on.

how can my sense of duty be SO strong that it keeps me in a place that drives me to, what feels to me like, madness...head spinning, hair pulling, mind boggling, possibly certifiable, madness.

if i could only take a picture of the mess that lives inside my head right now...

i could try to explain the chain of events that took me from having a fairly productive and relaxing day off to wanting to disappear into the night...but i don't feel like recounting them at the moment. i'm frustrated enough already.

creative emotion purge

so i think i'm in need of some serious creative emotional purging, but i'm having a hard time finding the right project or the motivation in the midst of my hectic life.

you see, recently i've found myself in the middle of a very "High Fidelity" style relationship "what if?" psyche-crisis-cycle (eat your heart out DSM IV-TR!). i'm tired of certain things from my past creeping into my everyday thoughts, but i can't seem to shake them from my brain. i try distracting myself, but reminders and memory triggers of all sorts seem to be waiting around every corner...
i understand that these types of things are part of an emotional growth period, and i want to continue growing... but that doesn't stop me from being tired of it. i'm sick of the tumult in my heart and my head, i need peace for a while.

activities i am going to try in efforts to purge my current emotional demons:
wild unrestricted journaling
unabashedly-wild painting (on a BIG canvas)
intense apartment cleaning (my shower grout always gives me a good workout...)
organizing (anything and everything in my apartment; order in my physical surroundings always makes me feel better)
uploading pictures of and blogging about my pre-motivation drought crafty endeavors

In Honduras

so, i haven't posted in a while because the holidays were busy with traveling back and forth between work and visiting my family in Indiana... then once i was back at work, i had to make final preparations for taking 11 high school students on a trip to Honduras, where i am currently posting from. Yes, the orphanage where we are volunteering for the week has satellite wireless and i can get a signal on my laptop if i sit outside on the steps of San Christobal, the visitors house.

So my basic mission in posting was to post some pictures and outline, in brief, what i am doing here. a co-worker and I brought a group of 11 students from our school to visit and volunteer at Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos Orphanage in Honduras. we have a former co-worker who is doing a year of volunteer service here and we decided that it would be a great opportunity and experience to come visit her and see what NPH is like.

our first two days have been great! we've met a lot of the kids, eaten meals with them, taken lots of pictures (they LOVE to have their pictures taken and will BEG to pose and to have you let them take pictures too!) and are getting acclimated to the lay of the land (it is a HUGE Rancho and we walk A LOT!) and the day to day activities. tomorrow we will help with work around the ranch, either on the farm, in the garden, in the tortilla house, or in the kitchen.


more later in the week, hasta luego!

today was...

interesting, nerve wracking, slightly painful, expensive, purposeful, restful, chilly, scrumptious, tragic, sad, a reminder that life--every inhale and every exhale--and those we care for and love--from co-workers we interact with on a daily basis to the family and friends who define large parts of who we are--are precious and so very fragile.

allow me to elaborate.
today i had to get up early to go to the Health Department in the county over from mine to get vaccinations in preparation for my trip to Honduras in January. that's right folks, Honduras. a co-worker and i will be taking a group of 11 students to do volunteer work at an orphanage for a week between our fall and spring semesters. now, i'm not a big fan of needles, but i can generally calm my self down and, as the nurse was particularly calm, i did well with the shots i got. though, the first one, i could feel the liquid move into and through my arm and it eventually led to a very stiff sore shoulder for the remainder of the day. still, $145 is a small price to pay to ensure that i am vaccinated against Hep. A and Typhoid fever.

then i had meetings i had to be back at work for from 10:30-3 and then i was done for the day. so i took a nap, because going to bed at 3am because you can't fall asleep and getting up at 7:30am to drive to get shots, then 4 1/2 hours of meetings = tired me!

then i went to the grocery store with a friend and baked cookies which was a good time. we are doing a cookie exchange at work tomorrow. christmas sugar cookies, that's all i'm going to say.

then the tragic, sad, everything else part happened.

on my way out to get some time away (i live/work at a "boarding" high school), i found out that a co-worker's dad had just passed away unexpectedly, most likely from a heart attack. my dad had a massive heart attack a year ago January and barely made it through. this co-worker just got engaged...it's a week before christmas, and now, her dad is gone. i can't even imagine...
it brought a lot of emotions and memories rushing back from when my dad had his heart attack and they just kept replaying over and over in my head throughout the rest of the evening.
i was working when my sister called me. at first, i was in shock and then... i just freaked out and started balling uncontrollably. i called two of my good friends and they came to help me get calmed down, packed, and ready to go home to be with my family...
i remember getting into my apartment and just falling to the floor, crying uncontrollably, my friends at my sides. in that moment, i didn't know if my dad would still be alive by the time i got home. i was so incredibly scared.
i was beside myself.
even now, just thinking about that moment makes me queasy.

my family and i were lucky, we got a second chance. it's not fair that her family has to go through this right now, in the midst of the holidays.

it's a great big dose of perspective, you know?

you say you want a revolution...

so i started this project a few weeks ago, i'm re-claiming some old grungy chairs and making them super cute. i awoke one day a few weeks ago inspired to find a set of chairs to paint yellow. well, my weekly adventures led me to a new thrift store on the other side of town from where i frequent, and there i found my chairs...for $7.50 ea. though, rather than just plain wooden chairs like i thought i was looking for, the chairs that found me had covered seats; which took me to a whole new level of inspiration. i LOVE fabric and sewing projects, so i started looking through my piles of fabric to see what i might be able to use and the rest, as "they" say, is history. i finished the seats about a week and a half ago on a weekend visit home to Inidana where my parents live. now i just need to find the time to finish sanding and painting the wood so i can fasten the seats back on and start using them at my kitchen table. alas, time does not seem to be on my side lately.what would the world be like if we all just quit our jobs and did crafts all day long? would our crafts become our jobs like in the old days; bartering and trading our wares for other's grown and handmade goods? let's start a craft revolution, who's with me?

Only 15 crafting days till Christmas!

so Christmas is sneaking up on me faster than i think it ever has. i'm not sure if this is a product of my own life getting bussier and faster paced, or if it's just a coincidence, but i've not started a lot of the projects i want to get done for the big day and time is running OUT. not to mention that i have family members who have requested particular store bought gifts (ugh) that i still have to go out and purchase.

don't get me wrong, i love, LOVE Christmas, but all i really want to do is be back at my parent's house already (that's where my sibs and i all converge for the holiday), with my bedroom set up as my own little holiday workshop. i want to spend time with my family and make cookies with my adorable nephews during the day and spend all evening (and sometimes a good portion of the night) holed up in my room in my pj's watching great movies and crafting away. whether it's those projects i want to get done for giving away (fused plastic bag totes from craftzine, the stripe-y patchwork cat from Green Kitchen) or other ongoing projects that i have in the works or want to try my hand at...all i really want for Christmas is some time to craft.

i think one of the biggest problems i have is that my job (which i do love) often times takes so much energy that, once i have free time, all i want to do is...well nothing, to be perfectly honest. when i get done with work i just want to sit and do nothing. also the grey weather and early sunset lately don't make things any easier! i like snow, but you've got to have sun to balance it out. the sun makes the snow all sparkly and bright, then the cold doesn't get to you so much. but when it's cold and snowy, grey outside, AND it's dark by 4:30pm on top of it all, it's very very hard for me to muster up the energy to do productive crafty things. i want to curl up on my couch and watch TV or read, or go back to sleep, i love sleep too :)

i'm making a goal for myself for this evening; at least 2 hours of productive craft time on projects that i will give away as gifts for Christmas. let's hope my muse isn't feeling the same way i am...