the innate sense of purpose and direction in my life is this: to love others and help them become whomever it is they are to become. to nurture and inspire the loving creative nature of people-whomever i encounter-so that they, in turn, might some day do the same for others, regardless of their chosen profession or path in life.
eventually i want to make a career out of offering art experiences, crafty adventures, creative fellowship, and the like to those who are lacking such outlets in their lives.

Monday, January 28, 2008

"Put me in the Zoo!"

today i've come to a point where i'm tired of being responsible. i'm tired of always doing for others, always doing the right thing, the responsible thing. i'm feeling a great urge to be irresponsible, live wildly, throw caution to the wind...to do things for ME.

it's like i'm being ripped in two...one part of me screams, "get in your car and just start driving...run away, see where the road takes you!" and the other is saying, "but i have a job...responsibilities. ...there are certain expectations that others have of me." how can i possibly find the motivation to get out of bed tomorrow, go to a stuffy "supervisors" workshop for FOUR hours, have meetings with my staff, and then come to work in the evening when all i really want to do is to just disappear?

i feel like i did when i was a kid... sometimes i'd get so upset at the fact that my parents obviously didn't understand how much something upset me or how important something was to me, i'd hide and think of running away form home. i'm sure most people did this as a kid...you start thinking, "when i'm gone they'll finally realize what they missed out on, how important i was." and you'd wait, in your hiding place, hoping that a worried parent who had been searching high and low for you would find you and, in the time you'd been "gone," would have come to an understanding of what was going through your head.

maybe if i disappeared they'd realize how much i did to help them...how much work i absorbed that they never had to worry about--work that they never even knew went on.

how can my sense of duty be SO strong that it keeps me in a place that drives me to, what feels to me like, madness...head spinning, hair pulling, mind boggling, possibly certifiable, madness.

if i could only take a picture of the mess that lives inside my head right now...

i could try to explain the chain of events that took me from having a fairly productive and relaxing day off to wanting to disappear into the night...but i don't feel like recounting them at the moment. i'm frustrated enough already.
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