the innate sense of purpose and direction in my life is this: to love others and help them become whomever it is they are to become. to nurture and inspire the loving creative nature of people-whomever i encounter-so that they, in turn, might some day do the same for others, regardless of their chosen profession or path in life.
eventually i want to make a career out of offering art experiences, crafty adventures, creative fellowship, and the like to those who are lacking such outlets in their lives.

Monday, September 15, 2008

mud pies and mis-matched clothes:

i'd like to return to a simpler time in my life... certain portions of my childhood.

lots of people have been asking me lately what my plans for the future are... i wish i knew the answer to that question.
i had to explain my dilemma to a college aged friend/pseudo-sibling the other day... i'm feeling ready to move on from my job, but just jumping into grad school like i'd like to isn't as simple at this current stage in my life as it might have been just 1 or 2 years out of college.

things are more complicated now...
i've got bills...car, insurance, cell phone, and undergrad student loan payments; i'd need insurance and a steady source of income...
with all of these things in the picture, i need not only to be accepted into a grad program, i need a viable job in the near vicinity of the school, and housing... an apartment or equivalent. given that i currently live where i work and don't pay rent, the concept of paying rent etc. is another daunting idea on top of the aforementioned things.

heart palpitations.

not to mention the time and energy it will take to coordinate all of these things... my life is hectic as it is right now with my job and a decent personal life. just thinking about the time and energy it will take to fill out and submit app's and my portfolio, search for jobs, revise and send out resume's, search for an apartment... it sends me into a mental tailspin. not that i want to make excuses, i just wish it was easier to transition.

not to mention the idea of possibly moving away from my friends and even further away from my family.

more heart palpitations.

sometimes i just want to be a little kid again.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

9.14.08 copied from journal entry written at Four Beans Coffeehouse:

no gravity, my conceptual hell reality

no water no air inside my mind
I float through space and time to find
the dark and empty warm of lost
to fill my heart despite the cost
the moon so full my heart so round
it floats and swells upon the sound
of sandy crystals full of time
that fall through cracks inside my mind

Friday, September 12, 2008

can you see my thoughts?


how do i justify the brain train that currently occupies the space in my head? the concurrent strands of spinning spiraling questions that dance across my gray matter and disappear into the distance, if only for a moment, before they reappear transformed and infinitely more complex.
how do i accurately choose the few strands that might give light to the story of intrigue and delight my mind is weaving at any given moment... how do i answer the question, "what are you thinking?"

most of the time, the answer that seems to make the most sense is, "everything and nothing."

this is the truth and yet one might ask how such an answer can even seem to make sense, or if it does... crazy, crazy you say? look inside your own mind, really get in there and truly SEE what is there. then tell me that, "everything and nothing" doesn't make just as much sense to you.

see.

i told you.

No pictures, just words... R.I.P. Digital Camera

this post shall take a sad tone, as i am mourning the loss of my dear departed digital camera. i was celebrating it's life the other evening by taking many interesting and obscure pictures when fate struck my hand and my poor digital camera did slip from my fingers and crash to the floor; lens mangled to pieces beyond recognition.

i realize it's just a camera, a conglomeration of cold metal inter-working electronic parts, but it was also a part of me. an extension of my creative vision and exploration. i wanted to fall to the floor and weep in despair... alas, i had to pull myself together and go to work.

i have 2 weddings to go to this weekend, which i'd love to document, but i can't quite bring myself to purchase a replacement camera, not yet.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

i'm funny...


when i don't try and i just let whatever is in my brain flow out, in the moment, i can be pretty damn witty and clever! i think that certain people bring that out in me, which i appreciate because i like that side of myself... it's a total bonus when i make someone else AND myself laugh in the same moment! usually it's just me, chuckling at my own goofy self or laughing at the funnies that scroll across the marquee of my mind.

sometimes people are so serious or sensitive about everything that it's nice to have someone who encourages, even inspires, me to take myself, and well, everything, less seriously. helps to balance me out. and balance, after-all, is what i'm all about in life.

"i just called to make sure you had a good day,"...

he said on the other end of the line and i almost melted into a little puddle.


i have realized recently that when i am able to keep my expectations at bay and not hold people to "secret contracts," as author and psychoanalyst Adam Phillips calls them, i am constantly and pleasantly surprised at how sweet, perceptive, and reliable people are. when i'm not holding someone to a specific and usually unattainable standard that i have created in my silly little head, i can more fully appreciate them, in every respect.

i'm less anxious about things this time around. i have yet to puzzle out whether this is due to maturity and learning through experience on my part, or whether it is due to the calming effect he seems to have on me; i suspect it is a lovely and intoxicating combination of the two. i don't feel the anxious need to talk to or communicate with him every day or even every other day...and when i do think about wanting to call or chat later in the day, he beats me to it and usually within 5-10 minutes of my having had the thought; it's eery. i keep thinking that it's just coincidence... but it keeps happening.


"i just called to make sure you had a good day," he said on the other end of the line and i almost melted into a little puddle.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

and the world spins madly on

i love that song by the weepies...

today the world moves rapidly around me...grey clouds press down and squelch my energy. i press on, longing for energetic relief... the comfort of caffeine and mental escape my only solace.

I feel heavy with lethargy... my eyes feel heavy in their sockets, my thoughts heavy in my head. as i move, the contents of my imagination slosh around, thick, inside my brain. the air feels heavy on my skin, my feet feel heavy in my ballet slipper shoes.

this excerpt, from Robert Frost's The Birches, pretty accurately captures the feeling of the day:

"i'd like to get away form earth a while
then come back and begin all over
let no fate willfully misunderstand me
and half grant what i wish and snatch me away not to return
earth's the right place for love
i don't know where it's bound to go better."

i long for a calmer pace to life, but i am forced to operate at the pace of the world around me. it wears me out. it's not quite a "take it or leave it" kind of feeling. there are things that i love about the world and would, if i had the choice, carry certain things with me always. but then, there are things like time that seem like their only purpose is to limit and frustrate me. it wears me out.